september 2019 draft posted as is

  Do you know when you come to turning points in your life and you choose not to take them because you feel as if something is missing. Or you do not have the right resources to take that course of action and do it to your best ability? Well this was me for most of my life never feeling prepared. I tried so many things to get myself feeling like I could take those paths. Taking first steps before I was ready. Running when I was to tired to even walk. I also tried the accursed phase of faking it till I made it. Yet most of the time I would come of short of the next step. This would either cause me to no longer being able to pursue this path or I would have to take an excessive high effort detour to get back to the step in which I fell short.

I was able to slowly make progress yet there was always a feeling separation from my peers. I never told anyone this. Yet I always had the feeling that I had something missing inside me that most of the other peers had. I never felt I could tell other people this out of fear that they would give me special attention and treat me differently. And I also felt that if I told others that they would see it as me trying to play the victim. Which was a role I only tried to ploy in my mind.

Weeds

There once was a time when I hiked with those of my youth. As we carried our feet to see water dance off cliffsides, we conversed about the budding greenery that tickled our legs, and how, if it were in our gardens, it would be considered a weed. As I was home thinking about this concept, I came to the notion that humans can and do see other humans as weeds. Where weeds can be seen as beautiful greenery, all depending on location, so can humans as well. Beauty isn't lost, just the perspective is all changes.

The geocaching

As the wind played amongst the dried grass, it invoked the voices of their dead, all in hopes to drown out the ever-passing cars. The moment was caused by a human who wanted nothing more than to be holding the one that had charmed them while they were trying to charm themselves.

The path to finding us and a reminder

My life has never had meaning. I have tried to push for something more but I have never been able to push for anything. Who is Josh? A kid that calls himself James. A Guy that pushes themselves to be like others to understand themself. Which never works. A boy that is afraid to try because if they fail to fail they will have been right? What do I like? I like math. Do I chase dreams knowing they'll fade when I wake up? Why do I feel Uncomfortable conforming? This has multiple side quest to format a legitimate answer. Lets see. It feels gross just going threw the motions. Looking further. If it feels easy I don't like easy even still I don't like walking the paths of other's just to off road. Yet in order to walk of the deep end I need to pass the Life guard that reminds me to walk and not to run. Which I hate doing Why do I want to go where others haven't been before yet won't ride the wakes of others that do so.

The things I want to do daily in the future

I want to wake up earlier daily

I want to talk to people more daily about their life. 

Push to be better daily(again)

I want to be able to have a better life so I will read  daily.

I want to eat two meals at least daily. 

I want to me more active despite the time of day I finally have free time. 

I want to believe that my life is getting better each day.

I want to be more interactive with world and country news.

I want to write at least something small daily.

I want to be more intuitive when it comes to who I can become.

I have to find the me that is hiding inside of me a little each day. 

Playing pickaboo bi-weekly is not something i can do any more.

Gut Feeling

When butterflies float threw our sky then we might just be happy, until then they'll just flutter in our stomach.

Will Power

I am so ready to let go of my past preconceived notions of who I am. The ones instilled in me by my mother and other family members. I AM MY OWN ENTITY. And I will strive in way they didn't know where possible for even them. Yes, this will be hard. And there will be times where I will feel as if I am breaking yet I KNOW I am capable.  l

I am not alone in this. I have many people that know of who I will be if I put in the effort. Here is to my success in the future. Here is to making a future with more opportunities. Here is to Jacob and whoever Else comes into my life I care about. Here is to the Knowltons. Here is to Zachary. Here is to Bonnie. Here is to Addison. Here is to both Taylors. Here is to Craig and Garrett. And all other people I have or will learn from and love. Here is the future.

I am so grateful for my past and the present.

The Pursuit of My Current

I have been putting effort into actualize my desires. Its been a huge struggle to get to this point in my life. I find humor such a sentence as if it saying I've finished my self growth. Yet I have gotten to a point in which I believe in the things I can become. This is exhilarating. I cant wait to start the growth I had in the past withheld from achieving.  Of course there are the days where I feel as if the old me is surfacing. Yet the productive side of me makes it so there is still progress. I was writing this so I could get my thoughts out in a creative way with the small chance that another human to leave their thoughts on this post.

In the past a wrote a poem without a title. The only poem I left untitled I wrote it for a friend yet now I realize that I need to apply it to my life.

the Ways Which Water flows is What take the Weak,

the strong Work long Whiles to make small Wakes,

Will We Want to push our being if With time We Would get Wings,

Wash up on a Wish Which is White on black 

So this is me now trying to make my small wake. I am finding my current and I will pursue my Wings.

A Convoluted Invitation

This is to the humans that still get notified when I post on this blog that seemly has been in a coma.

I would like to you inform you that Muse have breathed life back into my soul and there is no longer a reason to pull the plug. I am ready to share with you again the insights and struggles that have influenced my life these past years. Though I will tell you that my writing style has lost some of its grace. For I am unpracticed and far less immersed in this aspect of my life.  I have hopes that the present reflects the past and you will be able to yet again see my passion and skill level for writing grow.

I would like to take this opportunity to give you the knowledge that I do in fact have dyslexia. I do know that it have been prevalent all threw out this blog. I do not regularly have my posts proof read before I publish them. That being said I have plans on having this post read by other eyes before it goes public.

If you are still interested in sticking around on this flight. To a destination unknown yet filled with aspirations. If you peruse the feathers as they get placed in my wings.  Then you may expect to find the songs of a bird that was recently released from a mental confinements and is still gliding unfamiliar amongst currents of freedom, self motivation, and personal responsibility.

I cordially invite you alone this journey of self-discovery.

A Doodle

Good man

Good job on the soul searching

This is happening

I am ready to fit in and be appartment of society.

Lyfe Changes

Today saddness ate at my soul so much that there is enought room for another better version of it to grow in its place

Dissecting My Daily Thoughts in A Half Hour

Well I felt another day go by where I didn't get much done towards my goals. Yes, I put time in and made money yet it didn't feel like much.

I talked to my Mom about moving back in and we had a small arguement. I wonder how that will effect things.

Today I found out the names of my real aunt and uncle: Larry and Linda Meyer. Took about Forty-five minutes of searching Google and Facebook. Without results and many dead ends.

I found out my biological Mother's name.

Margaret.

My Mom told me. Which was odd to hear it for the first time considering I am 21.

I feel like a good employee which sucks because I'm normally a great employee. And I know I'm being harsh on myself because today was exactly two weeks at my new Job.

Today I did a new thing. When I'm minorly stressed at work I start listing my real Lyfe stressors; it actually calms me down.

Today another girl was flirtatious with me. This girl was also younger that I prefer. This made me reflect on how easy it is to flirt with girls, which used to seem so hard.

During the day I had to use strength. Like muscle, and I realized I need more protein in my diet. Hopefully my body grows and gets used to the increase in weight I'm now carrying daily. I hope I get visible muscle definition.

Also today I added a new goal to my list of goals.
Buy a car.

And that's a low detail of my thoughts on my day so far.

The Taste

You know how water only has a taste if it is different from what you normally drink? This is my life and I am finally tasting the water.

Crying Wolf

Do you live to write?  Or was that just a phase? Do you not remember the days that all you spoke in your brain was poetry? Or how you could captivate your reader by just speaking your mind? Or how when you read the poetry of random people you felt their pain?

Oh, but I Know you remember the day you told yourself that you didn't need poetry anymore. The day that you told yourself that you could use Dancing as an emotional outlet and get the same lasting release as with poetry. Ha, what a lie. Yes, Dancing made you feel good but, it would just cause you anxiety until you had your next fix. You put on a good show though you had yourself convinced for a good three weeks. But now look where we are. Sitting here in front of a keyboard...

I welcome you back, even though I resent that you ever left in the first place. I'm glad dancing was just a phase.

Do you remember that day that you stop writing? Oh, wait that never happened...

Things I Have Feared to Read

Things I Have Feared to Read

l have always been able to do it. To avoid thoughts that need to be heard. Words that have been written long ago but have been refused a voice. A sound that threatens the smile on my face. Phrases that take my crutches away before I can fully walk on my own. These contemplations that expound on the reasons I should hide. This place that made it so I had no need for comfort foods, therapy, or a friend to talk too. The space which judges turn their signs around to reveal perfect tens for signs of depression. This frame of mind that explains the pains of lack of motivation. And images that should have taken my breath away but made me intake a paradox that isnt so different. This the chamber that has taken all of my grieves and unwanted thoughts has found itself too full. And beckons me (with in a persuasive tone) to unlatch its deteriorating pad lock. 

i and you

i once ask you to be the real you, you gave it to me for a few days and let me hold it, but then i felt you start to recoil, so i did my best to hold on to it as long as i could but then you started to fight back because you didnt trust me anymore and as i held on you started to burn me, and at first i thought that the pain was worth it and that the boils that where forming on my hands would be easier to bare then a heart extinguished, and once i let go of you because the resistance was too great i look at my hands and saw what holding on to you had done to me and i fought back, i used poison where you had used flames, leaving scars for my boils, but all those boils did was cause me pain when i later tried to touch other hearts that could use some piecing back together, and not only did my heart hurt i couldnt reach out for help because i feared the pain that would be caused by someone grabbing my hand.

My blog...

My Blog is not die..






















Just going though rehab

My Family

My mother always told me that I wasn't going to change until I hit rock bottom. I told her that I would figure it out before I got the cuts and bruises. It always seems like she loves the looks of the new scars.

My best friend told me that he was going to fake it till he makes it. I told him that he really shouldn't do that. He asked why not and I refused to answer. I didn't want to tell him that I would be straight if I still lived that way today.

My brother told me that I had cross a line when I didn't show to my own Court of Honer. He didnt realize that this was are first conversation that wasn't about video games or Christmas presents in a two years.

My dad wants to mend are relationship but yesterday he told me he loved me and I replied with a hollow " I love you too".

My sister told me that we would be the best of buds when she comes home from her mission. It sounds nice and all but I'm planning on dispersing for a year.

My little brother tells me that he is sorry. Yet the rage he had was what he truly feels about me. And living with him its hard not to just think he might break my leg like he was about to that night my parents had to intervene.

My younger sister knows my secret but doesn't seem to care. Yet she still voices her hate for people like me.

My mother keeps trying to tell me that I care for them. But the things she keeps pointing out are the things I would do for random strangers.