The path to finding us and a reminder

My life has never had meaning. I have tried to push for something more but I have never been able to push for anything. Who is Josh? A kid that calls himself James. A Guy that pushes themselves to be like others to understand themself. Which never works. A boy that is afraid to try because if they fail to fail they will have been right? What do I like? I like math. Do I chase dreams knowing they'll fade when I wake up? Why do I feel Uncomfortable conforming? This has multiple side quest to format a legitimate answer. Lets see. It feels gross just going threw the motions. Looking further. If it feels easy I don't like easy even still I don't like walking the paths of other's just to off road. Yet in order to walk of the deep end I need to pass the Life guard that reminds me to walk and not to run. Which I hate doing Why do I want to go where others haven't been before yet won't ride the wakes of others that do so.