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Friday, June 20, 2014

My Numbers

First time I worn a tank top.

Second time I have I thought that it is now possible to be in a relationship with a boy.

Third time I have questioned my sexuality.

Fourth time I have doubted my abilities.

Fifth time I have tried to buy myself some shoes.

One phone in the gutter . Two days of rain. Three wishes to be something else. Four days wasted sleeping in. Five threats to be thrown out.

To Do

1. Start my schooling.

2. Write when I want.

3. Take care of my car.

4. Let my life change.

5. Stop holding on to childhood.

6. Clean room so I can leave.

7. Tell my Dad my sexuality.

8. Work out until I have the body I want.

9. Write some letters.

10. Wake up before 7:00 am.

0's the could have been First's

        - Drugs
        - Sex
        - Suicide
        - Stopping Writing
        - Forgetting My Family

Infinite...

Giving up on me.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Give Me Adive ( unedited )

Tell me to forget him and move on, for he will never trust you or love you. 
But he will want to be your friend. 
And you need to just be his friend and continue to numb your emotions around him like you do to all  others. 
You need to stop seeing the boy in every random kid that looks remotely like him. 
You need to just forget him like you have that one pot you made in ceramics back in high school and how it broke. 
James you need to just cry for what you have lost and wait for another that will want to love you and trust you. 
Tell me that's its not going to be okay.  
Remind me that I won't forget how he affected you. 
Suggest to me that I should use this as a bar for the next person.  Give me eye contact so I will believe the words you speak.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

All About Me ( unedited )

The first thing you should know about me is that I have written three other All About Me papers. I held back on two of them and one I refused to turn in. With this information I will now not hold back; as much as I normally do. I have so much control over myself yet there are a couple things that I cannot control. 

I hate success. I rarely have motivation. I can feel people emotions. I only speak up when I am fed up. I love to manipulate people to think things they normally wouldn’t yet hate how good I am at it. I can help people out emotionally. Oh, here’s a big one. I am attracted to girls but not as much as my own gender.
   
         One of the comments that I would frequently get was “This is so real. “  I never understood what they meant because, for me this stuff I was writing was the things I think of and never say. It never was the real me.  

It was all just a complex treasure map where the loot was who I am.

The only way for me to explain myself is through a metaphor.


Think of what people think I would write about as the leaves of a tree. 

Think of what I write about as the branches of a tree

Think of who I am as the trunk of a tree. 

Think of a wall as the bark of a tree.

Think of what people think as what made the roots.



When I had an opportunity to write on this blog I wanted to write about my branches. Branches that my trunk had put out to create leave to better hide top.  And the top of the trunk is the most vulnerable. For if the top of the trunk is cut the tree cannot grow taller. 

I hate success because with every success my future becomes clearer and I have always feared my future.

I feel peoples emotions. It came with birth. All I want to say about it is that if they trust me Its easier.

I am fed up now.

I try not to manipulate people to do things; only to give them a new perspective.  Ex. Alec Webb

I talk out peoples emotional shit. I am one of those people you love to talk out our problems too.

I am attracted to both genders yet like I said men is where its at.



The last thing you should know about me is I never say everything I want to.


If only I could take the bark off of my tree. 

but like a tree.

that would kill me.