The Way Death Affects Me

A Death Wish Never Granted

When life has no meaning,
One feels in a drag, 
The need to get up and walk all tall goes away slowly, 
Quickly replaced with no want but to drag, 

With the knife of joy that has points going towards the hilt, 
Joy come quick and doesn't hurt as its there, 
Yet when it slowly leaves it tares your soul apart until there is not much there, 

So now I pray I die because of a promise I must keep that states, 
I will not kill my soul.

I wrote this May 8, 2012. I wrote this before I knew I could write so its not flowy. I could have change it yet I thought that I should keep it how it was. I was eight, I promised myself that I would never kill myself. I can count seven time that my eight year old self saved my ten year old, ten year old, eleven year old, thirteen year old, fifteen year old, sixteen year old, and sixteen year old self, and I thank that smart eight year old me but, I know that the ten year old me hates that it took the eighteen year old me six times to realize life is worth it.

I dont cry for the dead.

When I was four I had a dog named Hardy. I was put in time out for a reason that I dont remember. I was crying. Hardy came and sat next to me and let me hold him. Three week latter Hardy ran from the town house and got ran over. I was in the room when we put down Hardy. My parents and my two siblings were crying. I was not. I remember thinking why am I not crying? I also remember my brother accusing me of not loving Hardy. I Love You Hardy.

Christmas this year Sophie died. I have cried beside her too. Sophie froze to death outside because she couldnt get back up. We found her in the afternoon with her eyes open. I stared at Sophie; thought of all the times that I had shared with her and smiled while my four siblings and two parents cried. I saw how it was affecting my mom. I was so empathetic that I cried for her not Sophie.

I work at an assisted living house. For three years I have worked with death. I have gotten close to a lot of the residents and never cried when they have passed. Now there is a resident that talks about how the Lord should take her but He wont. This makes me cry. Will I come to the point in life were it isnt worth living? 

I hope I do not get there.