Peek A Boo Motivation

Why is it that I have finally found inside of myself what it takes to be human?

Life hasn't been "What should I do to survive?" 

Life has been more like "I should do what people want me to do" 

I have found this out about six months ago. But I hadn't yet knew what to do with this information. Today I had an " Eureka " moment. One that I wish I had realized when I first learned cursive in third grade.

Right now I have motivation. A year and a half ago my therapist asked me what is your motivation? I told him that I didn't know. He kept asking me this for three months. He gave up asking me because I would give him the same answer, for it was truth. He did succeed in getting my mother to put a piece of paper on my mirror though that asked me about my motivation.

I once asked my mother to stop helping me with school. I did this because I knew that I relied on her too much. It took me two months to find " motivation ". It was false for it didn't last long. The mind set that I have lived on for far to long wasn't the " I am to live on my own ; how am I to survive?".

There was a night that I pleaded to my mother " I don't want to do it for you.       
I WANT TO DO IT FOR ME." She then told me that she didn't understand. That was the day that I stopped vocalizing most of my thoughts to her.

(Right now I am placing puzzle pieces in front of you. So you can put together a odd shaped map of how I got here.)

I hadn't been motivated to any work for myself. It was always because they wanted to hang.

Now I know what I can use as my motivation. But mother just told me that she doesn't believe in me.

I shouldn't let her do that to me. Trip me. But she is of the one rare people that can. I felt so high and mighty yesterday. I am on the floor trying to recover from my fall. She doesn't know how heavy her words weight on my shoulders.

I guess I'm just saying that I am  mama's boy trying to brake free.

I now know that I must think for myself and disregarded what others say and think.